So. . . how did those prevention tools work for you in Part 1? Here are some more tools to help you manage conflict and teach your children responsibility, in other words, guidance tools.

Encourage thinking:

• Explain limits
• Make a polite request
• Provide a reminder of the rule
• Ask your child to restate the rule
• Ask your child for solutions or consequences
• Use humor!

Show concern:

• Affirm your child’s feelings and thoughts
• Ask your child to help you understand
• Redirect your child’s thinking
• Provide a “hearing”
• Help with frustrating tasks
• Be willing to compromise

Confront the Situation:

• Offer substitutes
• Remove children from situations they can’t handle
• Say, “No!”
• Have child repeat the action
• Give permission 

Try to stay calm and take a break if you find yourself getting too upset. Sometimes a “time out” for mom or dad works better than anything! Once you’re in a better frame of mind, you’ll be able to approach the situation more successfully.

Esther Schak
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

Children can- and do- thrive under many different styles of parenting.  The choice of an effective style is not a matter of "either-or," but of finding a comfortable balance.

On the one hand...
Children need FREEDOM. They need to be permitted to:

• Explore the world
• Use their senses
• Move about freely
• Make mistakes

In other words, children need room to grow and develop.

On the other hand...
Children need LIMITS.  They want:

• Guidance
• Advice
• Responsibility
• Routine

By offering protection, you can help your children feel secure.

Still too much of even a good thing can be harmful

On the one hand...
Too much FREEDOM may overwhelm a child.  Indulged children may become self-centered and demanding, and have trouble getting along with others.

On the other hand...
Too many LIMITS may smother a child.  Over protected children may become passive and dependant- possibly resentful and hostile.

How you raise your children will depend on many factors- you, your children, the situation.  Some parents feel comfortable withe parenting styles that the other parents might find too tight or loose in fit.  Some children can handle more freedom and responsibility than others.  And some situations call for more control than others.

You'll want to stay away from the extremes of over-permissiveness or over protection.  Between the extremes are many approaches that make room both for your sanity and your child's growth.  What is important is that your style of parenting be reasonable and motivated by love and respect for your child.

Esther Schak
Parenting Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

"You never listen to me!"  Have you ever heard this complaint from one of your children?  Good communication helps parents develop a good relationship with their children.  Try these tips:

• Teach children to listen...  gently touch a child before you talk...  say his or her name.
• Speak in a quiet voice... whisper sometimes-so children have to listen carefully!
• Bend or sit down so that you can look the child in the eyes and tell when she or he understands.
• Respect children and use a courteous tone of voice.  If we talk to our children as we would our friends, our children may be more likely to seek us out as confidants.
• Use "door openers" that invite children to say more:  "I see," "Oh," "Tell me more," "No kidding," "Really," "Mm hmmm."
• Give your undivided attention when your children want to talk to you.  Don't read, watch TV, fall asleep or make yourself busy with other tasks.
• Praise and encouragement build a child's confidence and reinforce communication.  Unkind words  tear children down and teach them that they just aren't good enough.
• Children are never too old to be told they are loved.  Try writing it in a note that the child can keep as a reminder.

Esther Schak
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

Do you remember the time you spent outdoors when you were a child? Parents don’t let their children just “go out and play” like parents used to do. Yet outdoor unstructured play promotes imagination, cognitive learning and healthful activity. The lack of experience outdoors, along with a sedentary lifestyle encouraged by computers and technology, has serious implications for the long-term health and well-being of children.

What is keeping kids inside? Parents often mention safety. To counteract this, you can set clear limits and rules that reflect your children’s ages, your neighborhood and available supervisors. For instance, are the children allowed to play in the yard only, or can they explore a nearby park?

For safety – and companionship – ask other parents in the neighborhood if their children can play outside at the same time as your children. Enlist the help of other parents to watch out for the children, or join the children outside yourself.

What about the lure of indoor activities, especially those that involve technology, computers and television? Limit screen time to a couple hours a day. And make your outside area interesting with such activities as gardening, feeding birds or building a fort. (My husband once entertained half the neighborhood with an “archeological dig” in our back yard.)

The Twin Cities has many, many wonderful parks and playgrounds, rivers and lakes, nature centers and campgrounds. Make outdoor time family time. Children and parents alike will benefit from the physical activity and the calming effect of nature.

Please share your favorite outdoor places!

Esther Schak
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

When asked about their discipline methods, many parents will mention that they use consequences when their children misbehave. But discipline is so much more. The root meaning of discipline is “to teach.” To discipline – or to teach – effectively, parents need many, many tools, not just one (consequences). Here are some tools to put in your discipline toolkit. You may be surprised at some of the ideas listed; some may not seem much like discipline to you. But once parents begin to use a broad range of “tools,” they usually find that their efforts to teach their children to behave become more effective.

I’ll start with prevention tools. Preventing misbehavior before it happens is more effective (and less stressful) than anything else. Here are strategies parents can use when children are not misbehaving that will help keep problems from occurring.

Teach values and behavior:

• Demonstrate the desirable behavior yourself
• Tell stories to make a point
• Make your expectation clear before an event or activity
• Give specific (and brief!) instructions
• Prepare your child for something that might be difficult for him
• Catch your child being good!

Change the situation:

• Change the surroundings
• Change the activity
• Physically redirect the child

Increase your child’s feelings of security:

• Move physically closer to your child
• Provide reassuring routines
• Provide ways to ease transitions

Strengthen your child’s self-esteem:

• Show interest in what our child does
• Provide real affection
• Enjoy each other’s company

Try some of these prevention tools this week and see if they improve your relationship with your child. Next week, I’ll go over some more tools to help you manage conflict and teach your children responsibility.

Esther Schak
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

At 2 1/2 years
Does your child know a few rhymes or songs?  Does he or she enjoy hearing them?
Many children can say short rhymes or sing songs, and enjoy listening to records or to singing.
What does your child do when the doorbell rings, or when a car door or house door closes at a time when someone in the family usually comes home?
If a child has good hearing and these are events that bring pleasure, the child usually reacts to the sound by running to look or telling someone what she or he hears.

At 3 years
Your child understands and uses some simple verbs, pronouns, prepositions, and adjectives, such as go, me, in, and small.

Can your child find you when you call from another room?

At 4 years
Can your child tell about events that have happened recently?
Your child gives a connected account of some recent experiences.

Your child carries out a sequence of two simple directions.

At 5 years
Do people outside your family understand most of what your child says?
Can your child carry a conversation with other children or familiar adults?
Most children this age can carry on a conversation if the vocabulary is within their experience.


Is your child's grammar almost as good as your own?
Most of the time, a child's spoken language will match the patterns of grammar used by the adults of his or her family/neighborhood.


Esther Schak
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

Do you sometimes wonder whether your child is "on track" in his or her ability to understand and use language?  Here are some questions you might want to consider about your child's behavior, followed by a description of what the behavior might look like.

At 3-6 months
What does your child do when you talk to him or her?
Your child awakens or quiets to the sound of their mother's voice.

Does your child react to your voice even when he or she cannot see you?
Your child turns their eyes and head in the direction of the source of the sound.

At 7-10 months
Your child can't see what is making a sound, what does she or he do?
Your child turns their head and shoulders toward the familiar sounds, even when they cannot see what is happening.  The sounds do not have to be loud to cause the child to respond to the dog barking, the ringing of the telephone, footsteps, or someone's voice.

At 11-15 months
Can your child point to or find familiar objects or people as requested?
Your child shows understanding of some words by appropriate behavior such as pointing or looking at familiar objects or people on request.

Does you child respond differently to different sounds?
You child jabbers in response to a human voice, is apt to cry when there is a loud noise such as thunder, or may frown when scolded.

Does you child enjoy listening to sounds and imitating them?
Imitation indicates that your child can hear the sounds and match them with his or her own sounds production. 

At 18 months
Can your child point to parts of his or her body when asked?
Some children begin to identify parts of their own bodies.  Your child should be able to show his or her nose or eyes.

How many understandable words does your child use - words that you are sure really mean something?
Your child should be using a few single words.  They are not complete or pronounced perfectly, but are clearly meaningful.

At 2 years
Can your child follow simple verbal commands when you are careful not to provide and help (such as looking at the object or pointing in the right direction)?
Your child should be able to follow a few simple commands without visual cues.

Does your child enjoy being read to?  Doe she or he point out pictures of familiar objects?
Most two-year-olds enjoy being read to and shown simple pictures in a book or magazine.  They are usually able to point out pictures when you ask them to.

Is your child putting a few words together to make "sentences" as in "Milk all gone," or "Go bye-bye car?"
These "sentences" are not usually complete or grammatical but carry the message.

Esther Schak,
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

More and more research shows that family meals have numerous benefits. According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, children and teens whose families have frequent family dinners are:

• At lower risk for substance abuse
• Less likely to try cigarettes
• Less likely to try marijuana
• Less likely to try alcohol or get drunk monthly
• Likely to get better grades in school

Project EAT (Eating Among Teens) at the University of Minnesota found that family meals were associated with better intakes of fruits, vegetables, grains, calcium-rich foods and many other nutrients. They found that family meals were also associated with a lower intake of soft drinks and snack foods, and that girls who ate more frequent family meals exhibited less disordered eating such as extreme dieting behaviors and binge eating.

Start your family tradition of eating together when your children are young. Most families come together over a meal at dinnertime, but some find that breakfast works better for them. Turn off the television and other distractions (no cell phone conversations!) and focus on talking with each other. Children will learn a larger vocabulary, learn how to take turns, and hone other social skills. They will also learn about how the world works and how their parents feel about various issues.

You'll want to serve a variety of good foods, but there's no need to make the meal too elaborate. Involve your children in the meal preparation -- they may be more willing to eat something new when they help. Develop your own rituals and routines -- maybe pizza every Sunday evening, or a "breakfast" menu (such as pancakes fruit and sausage) served as dinner once a month. Kids will look forward to these special events (and remind you if you forget!).

Esther Schak,
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

So many of our most cherished memories involve grandparents or other relatives. Bring generations together in your family with some of these ideas.

1. Plan a family celebration that brings everyone into the family picture.

• When there's a religious life-cycle event (such as a baptism or Bar Mitzvah), add to the service by addressing the child's grandparents with words like these: "We recognize that you will always be an important part of this child's life..."
• At a milestone birthday or anniversary, ask members of each generation to make a contribution. For instance, if it's a 13th birthday, ask grandparents to describe their 13th birthday or their teen years.
• When a child enters school, ask grandparents to reminisce about their school days -- particular teachers they remember, exciting or embarrassing experiences, etc. 

2. Collect memories.

• Set aside New Year's Day as "create a scrapbook day." Bring out a year's worth of mementos -- programs, school papers, balloons, photos, clippings, etc. Assemble a scrapbook depicting your year.
• As part of a family gathering, ask each family member to bring something from a day he/she will long remember and talk about the object -- maybe a lock of hair, a newspaper clipping, a phone message, etc.
• Involve children in a project to interview and record the life stories of the older generation -- much like the ongoing StoryCorps project.

3. Divide your extended family into groups along new lines. For example: by seasons in which birthdays occur, by favorite color, by favorite season. These groups might: 

• Exchange gifts among one another by drawing each others' names.
• Create a banner or poster for a family celebration.
• Plan an outing together -- a football game, a play, a school band concert.

These are some ideas to help get the ball rolling. What are some of the ways your family interacts across generations? Share an extended family photo from your most recent (or not-so-recent) get-together!

Esther Schak,
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

With the weather improving, you might be thinking about a road trip with your family. Here are some great ideas from ECFE parents that will help smooth the way.

Traveling with children probably means that you'll need to take a lot of things that you wouldn't need if you were traveling alone. Your list might include:

• Snacks and drinks -- choose items that take a LONG time to eat!
• Wet wipes
• Garbage bags
• A clipboard for coloring or other art activities
• A pan with a sliding top to use as a lap desk (with built-in storage!)
• Pillows and blankets
• Extra clothes
• A night light
• Special blankets, stuffed animals, pillows or pacifiers that your child WON'T sleep without!

You'll want to plan many stops along the way -- playgrounds, rest stops, town squares, college campuses, all make great places to run off some energy. Take some balls or Frisbees along to throw around when you're at a rest stop.

In the car, you'll need a lot of amusements:

• Colorforms stick on car windows
• Etch-a-Sketch or Magna Doodle games
• Sticker books (or even Post-It Notes!)
• Coloring books or a plain pad of paper
• Pipecleaners (fun, quiet, and not messy)
• Finger puppets
• A ViewMaster with new slides for each trips
• Books, comic, activity books
• A small flashlight
• Listen to music, or have a sing-a-long

Try wrapping a few small toys and give them out one at a time over the course of the trip. Don't forget to save a few for the trip home.

Happy traveling, and please share more of your family's "must-packs"!

Esther Schak,
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

Did you ever stop to think about how much time you spend telling your child what NOT to do?

It's easy to get caught up in all the things your children are doing wrong and forget about what they are doing right. Giving specific, positive attention to the behavior you want to see will teach your children what you do want them to do and will increase the likelihood of children repeating a positive behavior.

Here's how "catching your child being good" works:

You are enjoying an unusually calm shopping expedition with your child. Before your four-year-old has a chance to start climbing out of the cart or demanding a candy bar, you look at him and say, "Wow, Joey! It makes me so happy when you help me get the shopping done so quickly."

When dealing with challenging behavior, you may feel that your relationship with your children is strained. But taking the time to increase positive interactions with children can actually decrease those challenging behaviors.

Here are just a few ways to build positive relationships with your child:

• When playing, follow your child's lead.
• Really listen to your child when he or she is talking.
• Don't be afraid to be silly or get dirty.
• Have fun!  

Esther Schak
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE

• Take time to listen to your child and answer his/her questions.
• Sing and recite nursery songs and rhymes together. 
• Read something to yourself every day, showing your child that reading is important. 
• Get library cards for you and your child.  Take your child to the library regularly and pick out books for both of you. 
• Look at books and magazines together, talking about what you see and read. 
• Ask your child to tell you a story or to describe something he/she has done or seen. 
• Write down what your child tells you and read back the “story” exactly as it was dictated. 
• Give your child his/her own bookshelf (or a box or a drawer) to hold books.
• Carefully select the TV programs your child watches, and limit TV viewing so that there is at least equal time for reading. 
• Praise your child’s efforts and accomplishments so that he or she will have self-confidence and zest for new learning experiences. 
  
  
  
  Esther Schak
  Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE 

We'd like to welcome a new voice to the Smart Play blog: Esther Schak, an ECFE parent educator, who will be imparting some of the wisdom she has gained in her many years teaching classes for Saint Paul Public School's Early Childhood Family Education program.

Esther's posts will bring content from her classes straight to you to help you think about your interactions with your children in a new light.

Parenting for Friendship

All parents want their children to have friends. Here are some ways to help children develop friendships.

• Help build a positive self-image. Being able to reach out to others begins with a healthy self-concept. A good self-concept gives the child the confidence to try new things and meet new people.

• Provide a friendly model. “It’s Anne’s birthday; I think I’ll bake her favorite cake. “I do feel hurt that Marta and David didn’t invite us to the party.” “We’ll have to miss your game this one time. Our old neighbors are in town and we’re meeting them for dinner.”

• Provide opportunities for your child to be with other children.

• Allow your child to choose her own friends. Respect her choices even though you may not always understand them. The most important factor is that the relationships are nurturing to your child.

• Respect your child’s friendship style. Each child forms (or tries to form) friendships according to his own particular needs. Many children seem to need just one or two intimate friends, while others enjoy a large circle of friends.

• Help your child gain social skills. She needs to learn:

• How to start playing with someone, how to become part of a group, how to handle rejections.
• How to cooperate in pretend play, games, and choices; how to compromise.
• How to cooperate in pretend play, games, and choices; how to compromise.
• How to handle conflict – express feelings clearly, listen to others, and stand up for herself.

Esther Shack
Parent Educator, Saint Paul ECFE